Mental Illness is...

Anxiety

I don't remember not ever not having anxiety. I think back to Elementary school and even preschool and remember feeling anxious. I remember feeling anxious about a lot of things, friends, school, recess, etc. I remember feeling like "why don't other people care or worry about the little things that I worry about? Why do I care so much?" I remember also being anxious and freezing up at times in certain social situations. Usually it would be the times that there were new people or friends of my close friends were there. I would get super nervous and didn't feel like I could be myself.

 I remember asking my friends if they could play and if the answer was a no there were many times I would take it personally and get really down about it and wonder if they didn't like me or what was wrong with me that made them not want to play with me. In reality I actually had a lot of good friends who cared about me and if they couldn't play that day it was only because they were busy with their family, or doing chores etc. But from very early on in my life my thinking was very self critical, overly analytical and irrational. For the most part I feel like my childhood was really great and even better than normal. I had great parents and lots of caring siblings. I just knew from a very young age that I felt different and I didn't know why. 

OCD

At about age 11 I started worrying about germs. I knew germs really could not do any serious harm to me. I knew my thinking and compulsive behaviors- to avoid and be free from certain germs- was not in any way logical but it didn't have to be; this disorder doesn't make sense, that's why it's a disorder. 

I was terrified of germs to the point that I would wash my hands ALL THE TIME to the point that my skin on my hands would crack and bleed. I would shower EVERY DAY after school to make sure all my "school germs" were off of me and my only "safe place" was my bed. It was the only place I felt completely free from worrying about the germs. I was in 6th grade and I vividly remember washing my hands in the classroom sink after every recess every day and I'm pretty sure every one in my class noticed that I always did this, but fortunately no one ever mentioned anything to me about it.

 I remember asking my friends after they had used the bathroom if they washed their hands. I know this all sounds insane but when you struggle from this disorder you feel like you don't have a choice, you feel like your OCD controls you and tells you what you need to be doing to "stay safe." It's honestly miserable and can consume your whole life if you let it. I let it. I let it take over and honestly how could I not? I mean I was just a kid trying to do all the normal kid things like fit in at school, hang out with friends, talk about boys, and so on, but the only thing I could really focus on was "the germs." I didn't know how to "be normal" because I didn't even understand the disorder or why I had it, I just felt crazy. At a time in my life when most kids are carefree and only worried about what clothes they will wear, what they will pick from the school lunch line, or which friend's house they will sleepover at that weekend, I was worrying about how I would "stay safe" that day and how I would avoid "the germs" or how I would be able to clean them off, not if but when, "I was dirty."  

Luckily my parents are absolutely amazing and they were so understanding and patient with me, they took me to the doctor and I was diagnosed and put on a medication called Luvox that I feel like really helped me.

 I was very fortunate because around the age 13 I somehow miraculously grew out of "the germs" kind of OCD. Don't get me wrong I still have OCD but not with the severity that I did. Now it's much more mild, and about things like locking doors and wanting a perfectly clean house (which does not happen.)  I don't know how I got so fortunate because most people that struggle with OCD with the severity that I did don't just "grow out of it." I am so grateful that I was able to overcome this aspect of OCD because I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if I had not. I don't know how I would have dated, gotten married, or had kids, feeling the anxiety about germs that I used to.

 Let me be clear, I am not sharing these very personal parts of my life to get pity or recognition. I am sharing these things to spread awareness about what mental illness is. Mental Illness IS REAL, IT IS a chemical imbalance in your brain. IT IS something that can make you physically sick. IT IS something that makes you feel guilt, the guilt of feeling you are a burden to others because of your struggles. IT IS something that can make it hard to get out of bed each day. IT IS something that makes it hard to have hope. IT IS something that can make you feel shame. IT IS something that makes you feel like "Hey maybe if I was a better person or tried a little harder this would go away" ; IT IS OCD, depression, anxiety, Bipolar disorder, Dementia, ADD, ADHD, Schizophrenia, Autism, PTSD.  Mental Illness IS NOT something made up in your mind. IT IS NOT just a phase in your life. IT IS NOT something that should define your self worth. IT IS NOT what defines you. IT IS NOT your fault! 

There IS hope there ARE people who care, I promise! There IS treatment. There is a loving God who knows what you are going through and how to help you! Jesus Christ suffered on the cross for YOU, me and everyone. He went through and suffered for all of our sins but also our weaknesses, sorrows, and illnesses. Through him we can find peace! You are not weak for accepting that you may struggle from mental illness and for getting help. If anything you are stronger for facing it and dealing with it head on. It is hard to accept and deal with but once you do you can find the help and strength you are looking for.

 To the people that struggle with OCD or any mental illness at all I say to you YOU ARE AMAZING! Life is hard on its own, without adding mental illness into the picture! You know who you are. Keep on going, it's hard but you can do it! Have faith and hope that our Savior Jesus Christ can help you get through it! You are stronger than you know!

I am so excited that I am now a certified Emotion Code practitioner and I am now helping others heal! I am grateful for my struggles so I can now relate to others that I am working with. ( I will blog more about this later)

My next post will be about my teen years, that definitely have their own set of struggles. :)

I love these Elder Holland quotes; I think I may hang them in my house. 

"Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever."

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

I'm really doing it...

I have felt like I have needed to do this for a long time..When I say this I mean be vulnerable and open and blog about my personal struggles and my triumphs as well. As I sat in Relief Society last week i was actually able to listen and take the lesson in for the first time in a LONG time. Benson just went in to nursery and I feel so out of place in way because for the last 6.5 years I have either had a baby with me in RS or been pregnant and due to deliver in the next month or so. 

As I sat in RS last week listening to the lesson we were discussing the topic of Joy and how to have to it in your life. When the teacher brought up the topic my mind immediately went back to a special that I recorded on KSL from conference weekend in October of this year. The program really stuck with me because it was all about different people who had gone through unimaginable trauma and loss in their lives but how they still had lives full of joy and happiness. It was so interesting to me how these people could be so happy after going through SO much.

 One of the women on this program is Ashlee Birk, I have been following her blog for years and her story is truly amazing. She lost her husband soon after giving birth to her 5th child. He was shot by his mistresses husband, at the time Ashlee knew something was off in her marriage but she had no idea that he had been unfaithful to her. Her blog is so inspirational because she has taken this tragedy in her life and used it for good.

 Now back to RS last week and the "Joy" TV special. I was thinking about all these amazing people that they had highlighted and I was trying to pinpoint what they all had in common. I realized that other then going through severe trauma they ALL had shared their stories with others and they all had used the power of the atonement in their lives to heal and then to help others. That's when the spirit really hit me, right then I felt the warmest feeling in my heart that I needed to do the same, that I needed to share my stories with others. But soon after all kinds of doubts came into my head like "What will other people think?" "Why would anyone care what I have to say?" "What about all my punctuation and grammar errors in my writing?" "My trials aren't as crazy hard as the people on the TV program so why would anyone care to read about my experiences?" "What if I share too much?" etc. etc. These doubts have been in my head for the whole week until tonight. 

 I was listening to a talk by Elder Ronald A. Rasband from the quorum of the twelve apostles titled "Lest thou Forget" and in the talk he speaks of an experience he had where he had felt prompted to do something but then soon after felt doubt, so he was reading his scriptures and came upon this verse in Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23. It said "Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God? Then after he read this he said  "It was as if the Lord was saying, “Now, Ronald, I already told you what you needed to do. Now do it!” How grateful I was for that loving correction and direction! I was immediately comforted by the prompting and was able to move forward, knowing in my heart that my prayer had been answered." 

I was stunned because his experience was so similar to mine and I felt like it was all written for me, especially the line "now do it!" So here I am "doing it," and I'm honestly scared to death but I know that however insignificant my future and upcoming blog posts about my experiences are that there IS someone who needs to read them and that they WILL help someone somehow even if its in small way. So you will be hearing from me a lot more from now on this blog. Now i just need to decide exactly what to share and a part of me is excited in a weird way because I feel like most people, even a lot of my close friends and even family don't know some of the experiences that I am going to share in the near future.